The Princess and the Queen...

I recently discovered this little gem,  and just had to post it for you dear readers:

The Princess and the Queen...

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. So put the tray-up, Bitch"

Jokers Wild

The Blogfrog

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Computer nerds not allowed...

Computer nerds not allowed...



A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.



The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."



As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.



The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."



So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.



He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.



The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."



"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em

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A lawyer married a woman who had been married ten times...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands...






On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."



"What?" said the puzzled groom.



"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"



"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.



Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.



Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.



Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.



Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.



Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.



Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.



Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.



Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.



Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"



"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"



"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


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The bride tells her husband...

The bride tells her husband ...




The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know

anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"



"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the

prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the

prisoner in the prison.



And then they made love for the first time.



Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.



Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."



Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."



After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but

the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him

a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"



The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently

born foal.



Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.



She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."



Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

OKAY

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Some more Aussie jokes...

Image via Wikipedia

I  found some of the common Australian jokes that are floating around out there. Being KIWI  I have heard some of them, especially jokes about Aussie ancestry, them  being convicts and all that.


So whilst some of these arn't exactly partiotic towards the Aussie  mother land, they are slightly amusing.

Funny Australian Jokes #1
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

Funny Australian Jokes #2
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, was a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red handprint on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

Funny Australian Jokes #3
A bushwalker gets lost and ends up spending a few days wandering around in the harsh Australian bush looking for food.

Finally, he catches a numbat, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles onto the scene, finds the hiker eating the numbat, and arrests him for killing an endangered species.

In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

"Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge.

"But I have to ask - what did the numbat taste like?"

"Well, your honour," the hiker says, "it tasted like a cross between a quoll and a Tasmanian Devil."

Funny Australian Jokes #4
Q: What do blondes and Tooheys beer bottles have in common?

A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Funny Australian Jokes #5
There were 3 aussies and one New Zealander in a bar. The aussies decide that it would be funny to piss the New Zealander off."Ok, ok."Said the first one, "I know how to do it." He goes up to the NZer and says "Your Johana Lomu's a gay prick." The guy just shruggs and says "Ok." The next aussie goes up to him and says "your Johana Lomu's a transexual." again the kiwi doesnt seam to mind. the last guy goes up to him and says "Your Johna Lomu's an australian." The kiwi smiles. "I know, thats what your other friends have been trying to tell me."

Hope you got a laugh out of these ones...more to come soon!!

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Good morning Hutt's Blogesphere...

I just posted this on the new site, "SideTick" and had to re-circulate it to my other sites:

Do you know I almost wrote, "Good morning Vietnam" here. Wonder why I wrote that? I remember the film well with Robin Williams acting the role of DJ on the forces radio in Vietnam. Good morning, Vietnam!

I had a brother and a brother -in-law in the conflict - the are both dead now. They were both still young when they died of heart failure - thats when your heart stops, you know? Funny that!

My bro was a military policeman and died of a massive heart attack at the age of 33 years. He died in camp at Burnham, just outside Christchurch, NZ. He had problems getting over what he experienced in Vietnam. He spent a lot of time in the city (Saigong) and out on patrol outside the city. Do you know the Vietcong never attacked his jeep because he was a Kiwi. Yes, thats true, they had a lot of respect for our troops and country. Thats not to say they wouldn' try to kill them in battle, though!

My bro in law came back to NZ after service as a rifleman. Some years later he developed nerve problems, had to have many operations, deterioated physically, wasted away and died. He was a big strapping young man when he went to Vietnam. Heard of Agent Orange? I have, but he didn't. But by Jesus I know what killed him!

Why do I write of Vietnam? I just thought about it, probably have Afghanistan on my mind, thinking just how dangerous this could be for our Kiwi troops, even if they are special forces, but we do have engineers and medics there too. I think of the wasted lives in Iraq! So many American boys, and girls too these days, who won't be walking back home!

Oh well, old morbid me. See you all later!